This is a topic that is felt by most of us but definitely not spoken about enough. Whether you're a female or a male suffering with hair loss, I think it's safe to say that it can invite many feelings of inadequacy. Being a part of a relationship is a partnership that should have a basis of trust, love and acceptance. If you enter a relationship or start to talk to someone new with doubt of their ability to do these things because for your hair loss, then you most likely will allow these anxieties to manifest in your behavior or push them away.
It's not just inadequacy that can manifest, it is feelings of insecurity, self-doubt, questioning their commitment, and so much more. Here are some of the most common worries you guys have expressed to me. Let's talk about it!
''Will telling them scare them away?''
One thing to be wary of is that many people aren't aware of Alopecia or understand how common hair loss is and it's natural for people to feel surprised when you tell them. The most important thing you can do when speaking to a loved one/potential partner about your hair loss is doing it in a way where you educate them. Explain to them confidently what Alopecia is, what your story is and give them an understanding. A lot of people respond well to being educated about things and you'd be surprised at how many people genuinely don't ''scare away''.
However, not everyone is receptive to differences for many reasons, and if it does scare them away then that is not your fault. People are entitled to preferences so if they decide that they don't think they'll manage the relationship well, then you would much rather be with someone who can. Anyone who see's your hair loss above the person that you are does not deserve to be with you and that's something you need to truly believe!
''Scared of their reaction''
This is so natural to create anxiety because its the ''fear of the unknown'' on whether they'll be accepting or whether they'll be insensitive towards your hair loss. But you will never know the outcome unless you try. Living in fear towards sharing your hair loss could potentially prevent you from seeing that someone truly loves you for you, or realizing that the person you are thinking about giving a chance might not be the right one for you. Both realizations are blessings in their own way and that's something you should always remember whenever feeling anxious towards the potential outcome.
'' Feeling inadequate, not feeling sexy''
Society has created the concept of beauty based off of our exterior and it can be extremely difficult to detach from that concept. However, these feelings of inadequacy are because of our own internal conflicts with hair loss and are less likely to be thought by someone who truly see's your beauty and loves you for who you are.
These are insecurities that rightfully manifest when suffering with hair loss because it is such a part of our identity and our idea of ''beauty''. That's why it's so important to work on these insecurities and your self-esteem to prevent thoughts like this from occurring. You could do this in so many ways whether that be self-care, makeup, wigs, scarves etc. Whatever makes you feel closest to yourself, do that!
If you are feeling insecure in your relationship, have honest conversations about how you are feeling with your loved one. Remember that someone who loves you unconditionally will not view you the way you view yourself. They will not treat you as unworthy or less beautiful, and having honest conversations on the days where it does take a toll can help you to calm your anxieties and make you realize that these feelings are mainly in your head and not in theirs.
Anyone who does make you feel less beautiful or less sexy is NOT someone deserving of you or your time! Don't lower your standards because you think you deserve less. Everyone deserves to be with someone who is accepting of them regardless of whatever condition they may have. Including you!
'' Fear of being treated differently''
Sometimes when people find out about hair-loss it can introduce feelings of pity, sympathy etc. If you are someone who is fearful of these feelings occurring in your relationship then be honest about that. Some people don't know that they're even making you feel uncomfortable so the best thing you can do is communicate to prevent further discomfort. Explain what you do need from these conversations and what you're trying to prevent. It may be new for you to tell them but it is also new for them to be told, so if they are responding in a way that may be unintentionally overwhelming for you, communicate this!
Additionally, if someone treats you different in a negative way once you've shared your hair loss then that should be an example of why you shouldn't be with that person! You do not need to be surrounded by anyone making you feel less than because of your hair loss. Maintaining your surroundings with positive energy and those that will uplift your spirit is something you should prioritize and if you can see someone will hinder this, don't give them access to you!
''Not being understood. Being judged''
First and foremost if anyone judges you or treats you negatively because of your hair loss they have GOT TO GO! It doesn't make sense for someone to judge another based on a condition they cannot control. If you come across a person who does this, that should be more than telling of their character and why you should not give them your time.
Unfortunately, ignorance is a trait that many individuals carry and it is not your job to try and get someone to behave differently. If anyone judges you based on your hair loss or purposely makes insensitive remarks/comments about this, please know it has nothing to do with you. It is their own problem and character that is the issue, not your condition or you as an individual.
'' I'm scared they'll notice before I tell them''
Wearing wigs/scarves and makeup to cover your hair loss can make you prone to feeling fearful that someone may notice if you haven't covered up properly. This anxiety can genuinely ruin your time and take you away from moments, so its important that if you do use any type of cover ups that you are comfortable with the way you have secured them.
It can be hard to think about the possibility of someone finding out before you're ready to tell them, but don't overthink this to a point where you believe it'll actually happen. You are in control of the situation and if it does come to a point where it accidentally shows, confront it with confidence. If you treat it like something that is awful and that shouldn't have happened, that's how they will treat it too. It is hard to talk yourself out of these anxieties so take it one step at a time. Don't be harsh on yourself if this does happen. Treat yourself like a best friend, if this happened to them would you beat them up about it? No, so don't do it to yourself!
''When to bring it up? How do I tell them?''
There is no perfect set time to tell anyone about your hair loss. Remember its YOUR experience, your condition, your journey. You do not need to feel pressured or under influence to share your hair loss yet if you aren't ready. Prepare yourself mentally to have this conversation as much as you can, whether that be thinking about what you're going to say or do, but don't rush yourself because you don't want to deal with feelings of guilt afterwards.
Go at your own pace and be patient with yourself. These conversations are not easy, they can be emotional and they can be nerve-wrecking, but that's why you need to do it when you feel most comfortable. Give yourself credit for trying and allow yourself to speak about it when you feel strongest to do so. For some, their hair-loss is a huge part of their journey and identity of why they are the way they are today. Someone who truly loves you, will hear this and will understand and love you even more for it! So don't overthink yourself with anticipation of what they might say, just think about doing it when you're ready and let it go from there, one step at a time.
'' Will I be accepted? Will i ever be loved?''
Having hair-loss can put you in a vulnerable position and make you feel like because of the hair you lack, people will not be able to love you. This is such a natural feeling to have when in this position but is 100% NOT TRUE! These are your own feelings towards your hair loss talking and not reality. Reality is that there are so many individuals out there who are genuinely accepting of differences and don't care about these things as much as we think they will. It's so easy to tell yourself this narrative that you are less deserving or less desired but the right person will not view your condition in this way at all.
However, there are individuals who potentially won't be accepting or be able to manage being with someone with hair loss for whatever reason, whether it be genuine incapability, insecurity, ignorance or insensitivity, there are so many reasons but they are all reasons that are to do with them, not you. Someones incapability to manage is not a reflection of your worth or how desirable you are. This narrative can be so damaging to tell yourself and only aids low self-esteem.
Placing your value and confidence in someone else's desirability towards you is something you should never do because you'll never be content. Focus on yourself, work on your internal conflicts with your confidence, practice self-love and self-care to a point where it becomes a habit. This way, if you are to be in a situation that doesn't work out for whatever reason, you won't put your hair-loss as the first factor to blame and will remember that you are worthy regardless. This is of course a work in progress and is easier said than done when suffering with something so personal, but it is definitely achievable over time.
The simplest and essential thing to always remember, is that someone who is meant for you and truly loves you, will accept you for all of your 'flaws', and if you do find someone who does so, don't discredit or disbelieve that. Let them love you and let them look past the anxieties that you are telling yourself. It's not impossible for you to be loved nor is it impossible for you to find someone capable of that. Sure, not everyone will have that preference but that's okay. Someone will, and when they do, embrace it!